The rehearsal dinner: what it is and how to plan one

What a rehearsal dinner is for

The rehearsal is practical. The officiant or the planner runs through the ceremony once or twice at the venue: the order of the processional, where the wedding party stands, who hands over the rings. It takes an hour or less, and at the end of it everyone is standing around in a car park wondering where to eat. The rehearsal dinner is the answer to that, and over time it has become an event of its own.

It does three jobs. It thanks the people who are doing the most for the wedding, which is the wedding party and the parents. It introduces the two families, which the Emily Post Institute notes is sometimes happening for the first time, so the couple and their parents should make sure everyone has been introduced. And it gives the people closest to the couple room to speak, without a microphone and a hundred guests.

Emily Post places it the evening before the wedding regardless of when the rehearsal is held, and says it can also be a brunch or a lunch if the rehearsal happens earlier in the day. Other dates are common too. Here Comes the Guide suggests a Thursday for a Saturday wedding, which is often cheaper and leaves the Friday free to rest. Zola's advice for a weekday wedding is to hold the dinner the weekend before, when people can actually come.

You will also see it called the groom's dinner, after the family that traditionally pays for it.

Who pays for the rehearsal dinner

By tradition the groom's parents host it, and so they pay. The Emily Post Institute says it is customary, but not obligatory, for the groom's family to host, and that if they would rather not, the bride's family or the couple can host instead, or the two families can share it. Here Comes the Guide gives the old reasoning plainly: it was the groom's mother's chance to show that she could entertain too.

That split made more sense when the bride's family paid for the whole wedding. Now that many couples pay for their own wedding or share it between both families, the rehearsal dinner usually goes the same way as everything else. Zola notes that it is not uncommon for couples to pay for it themselves, or for both sides to split the cost. And for two brides, there is no groom's family to fall back on, so the question has to be settled by talking.

Whoever pays, have the conversation early, ideally when the wedding budget is being drawn up. Here Comes the Guide adds the rule that follows from it: whoever pays gets the last word on the details. If the groom's parents are hosting, they choose the venue and the menu, and the couple's job is to give them what they need. Emily Post lists that as the rehearsal time and place, a few venue suggestions near it, a sense of the reception's size and formality so the dinner does not outdo it, and the names and addresses of the guests.

Who to invite

The Emily Post Institute's list is a good place to start. It includes the wedding party and their spouses, fiancés or partners; the officiant and their partner; the parents, stepparents and grandparents of the couple; any siblings who are not in the wedding party; children of the couple from a previous marriage, unless they are too young; and the parents of young attendants such as the flower girl or ring bearer. Zola's starting point is simpler and comes to almost the same thing: invite the people who were at the rehearsal.

Plus-ones follow the wedding. If a single member of the wedding party is bringing a guest to the wedding, Emily Post says it is kind to invite that guest to the dinner too. Zola's view is that there is no pressure to offer a plus-one to anyone else, and that if plus-ones are not allowed at the wedding, there is no reason to offer them at the dinner.

Invite the officiant even if you expect them to say no. Zola calls it a customary gesture. A celebrant you have met three times may well decline politely, and a family priest or a friend who got ordained online will probably be glad to come.

After that, the list is up to the couple and the budget. Emily Post says aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews are often included at larger gatherings, and beyond them you can invite out-of-town guests, close friends and godparents. Here Comes the Guide notes that in Jewish tradition it is customary to invite everyone invited to the wedding, and that at a destination wedding couples often invite everyone who has travelled, because the guests are all in the same place with nothing else to do that night.

If you want to include everyone who has travelled but cannot afford to feed them, one compromise is a dinner for the core group followed by drinks at the restaurant's bar for everyone else. Here Comes the Guide suggests exactly that, and also warns that two events can leave some guests feeling excluded, so say clearly that the drinks are the open part of the evening.

Invitations

Send them after the wedding invitations, and in a separate envelope. Here Comes the Guide is firm that the rehearsal dinner invitation should never go in with the wedding invitation, since it goes to only part of the list. Timings vary a little between sources: Emily Post says three to six weeks ahead, Zola at least four to six weeks, and Here Comes the Guide four weeks. Zola adds that out-of-town guests appreciate hearing earlier, so they can book a hotel for the extra night.

The invitation does not have to match the wedding stationery. Emily Post says fill-in cards, a handwritten note, a phone call or an email all work, and Here Comes the Guide is happy with an online invitation and a bit more colour than the wedding suite. Whatever the format, include the date, the time, the address with directions, who is hosting, how to reply and by when, and a dress code if there is one.

Rehearsal dinner ideas

Start with the venue. Emily Post suggests a private room at a restaurant, a room at a private club with its own catering, or a private home with caterers, in which case the host also pays for the serving staff and the cleaning up. Keep it close to the ceremony site, because everyone is coming straight from the rehearsal. Here Comes the Guide recommends booking three to six months ahead, and a private room if there will be a slideshow or karaoke.

The one rule on formality, from Emily Post, is that the rehearsal dinner should never be more formal or more lavish than the reception. Within that, almost anything works.

Toasts and gifts

Emily Post describes the evening as "highlighted by toasts, toasts, and more toasts", and this is where the longer, more personal speeches belong. Friends can tell the stories that would not suit the grandparents at the reception, within reason; Emily Post asks that they stay light-hearted and in good taste. A sensible order is the host first, with a short welcome, then the parents, then members of the wedding party, then anyone else who has asked. The couple close it: Emily Post says they usually end the toasting by toasting their parents, and then all their friends and relatives.

Set a limit before the night, because ten toasts of five minutes is nearly an hour. Tell the people speaking how long they have, and give the reception speakers the night off so they do not give the same speech twice.

The rehearsal dinner is also when gifts change hands. Emily Post says the maid of honour and the best man present the wedding party's gift to the couple, and that the couple may give their attendants their gifts and thank them with a short speech. It is also a good moment to give your parents something, such as a framed photo or a letter, because the wedding day itself rarely has a quiet moment for it.

Keeping it short

The thing to avoid is a rehearsal dinner that turns into a second wedding night. The couple has to be up early, and so do the people doing hair, reading at the ceremony and carrying the rings. Zola's advice is to keep the evening short so everyone is rested, to put water and alcohol-free drinks out where people can see them, and to limit the wine or skip the open bar.

The simplest way to end on time is to say when it ends. Put a finishing time on the invitation, ask the restaurant to bring dessert at a set hour, and let the couple leave first, which gives everyone else permission to go too. Anyone who wants to carry on can find a bar, without the couple.

What to wear to a rehearsal dinner

Follow the invitation. If it names a dress code, that settles it; if not, look at the venue. A private room at a smart restaurant calls for what most people would wear to a nice dinner out: a dress or a skirt and top, or trousers with a shirt and a jacket, and a tie only if the place is formal. A backyard barbecue means smart casual and shoes you can stand on grass in.

Guests should dress a step below the wedding, since the dinner should not outdo the reception, and it is polite to avoid anything that could be mistaken for wedding white. The couple can do what they like. It is a good night for the outfit you loved but could not wear on the day, and since it will be in the photos, it is worth choosing with that in mind.

Getting the photos from the night before

Most wedding photographers are booked for the wedding day, so the rehearsal dinner is usually photographed by the guests. It is a good evening to photograph, because it is full of people who are not in many of the wedding photos together: the two sets of grandparents at one table, the cousins meeting the best friends, the parents hearing a story about their child for the first time.

A shared camera collects those photos in one place. Unveil is ours: each guest scans a code and takes photos on their own phone, and every shot goes into one album that nobody can open, the couple included, until the time you set. For a dinner, the parties setup gives each guest five shots for eight hours and covers up to 25 guests, and every number can be changed. Five shots is a good number for a dinner. It is enough for the table, the toasts and the end of the night, and few enough that phones go back in pockets between courses.

Run it as its own event rather than the start of the wedding camera, so it has its own code and its own album. Then pick when it opens. The next morning is the wedding morning, and a few photos of both families laughing the night before are a nice thing to look at while hair and make-up are being done. Or hold it until the day after the wedding, so it opens at the brunch alongside the wedding album. When should wedding photos unlock goes through the trade-offs.

The dinner also makes a good test run. The wedding setup guide recommends trying the camera in the week before the wedding, and a dinner for the people closest to you is the best rehearsal it could get. If you are running a photo scavenger hunt at the wedding, try five or six prompts here first, about the two families meeting. And if the wedding party has been away for a bachelorette weekend, the bachelorette camera guide suggests saving that album to open at this dinner, with the bride, days later.

An event is free for up to 10 guests, then $4.99 for 25 and $14.99 for 50 (US pricing), paid once. You can create the event in your browser or in the app. For the other end of the weekend, the wedding after party guide covers the night after the reception.

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